The Willow Tree

Introduction: “The Willow Tree” is a heartfelt, yet apoplectic, follow-up to “The Road Less Traveled.”  The important conversation relating to the topic of bullying rages on.  Bullying:  the diabolical and relentless attempt by an insecure person (or persons) to willfully humiliate, hurt, and dehumanize another person (or persons) in order to feel a sense of empowerment.  A gaping and infected wound in our society that has metastasized due to the inaction, and intrinsic participation, of those who have voluntarily signed up and are charged with preventing its spread.  We are going in deep to explore why this pernicious issue is purportedly beyond anyone’s control, specifically in schools, and why it continues to worsen rather than improve even with all that is allegedly being done to mitigate both its short-and-long-term damage.  I have a few unpopular, yet compellingly irrefutable, ideas.  

 As a general self-imposed rule and disclaimer, I try to not curse in my writing. In my daily life, I am unabashedly fluent in the use of some of the more scurrilous and indelicate wordcraft; but you would never know that because in my writing I consciously resist the strong urge to throw down mud-slinging trash talk to make a point.  (And, by the way, with my high level of fluency, that restraint and self-control is not as easy to do as you might think.)  However, the issue of bullying absolutely incenses me, and I find it nearly impossible to not drop a few unseemly words here or there. Either way, if a simple, yet offputtingly thuggish, word offends you, try to imagine for a moment how recipients of bullying feel as they are verbally, emotionally, and physically assaulted.  Lastly, I am not, nor have I ever professed to be, an expert in behavioral science or social psychology.   Truth and provable facts, common sense, basic humanity, and an overall expected societal code of conduct are non-negotiables for me. Whether you choose to embrace them or not is entirely up to you.  With that being said, consider this a friendly reminder of the fundamental Golden Rule that we – adults and children alike – should all know by now: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  

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“……or, we can disentangle ourselves from the fray and break free.”  Those were the last words of “The Road Less Traveled.”  An essay written from a mother’s perspective – my perspective – about bullying in schools which, as was the case with my family, resulted in having to transfer my daughter in her 7^th grade year from the only school she ever knew into a different, much bigger, local school where we had hoped that she would get a fresh start.  A clean slate, so to speak.  An opportunity for her to break away and become free from the children who bullied, mocked, and ostracized her.  Children who openly and persistently made every effort to humiliate and diminish her without consequence.  Children who, even though she had been removed from the school and their daily view, in no uncertain terms, let her know that they were still thinking about her and that they were not done with her just yet.  So, they poisoned the proverbial well, all but ensuring that the experience at her new school would be a continuation and replication of the exclusion and maltreatment that she had, by force and through no fault of her own, grown accustomed to. She became acutely aware, because it was made abundantly clear, that she would have no friends at the new school either.  This was no aberration or misunderstanding of any kind.  This was a premeditated, calculated, and coordinated act of pure cruelty that included groups of simpleminded tween girls from not one, but two schools who, unpredictably, knew each other from extracurricular activities outside of school.  Ill-natured and insolent young girls who were decidedly and collectively hellbent on making my daughter feel outcasted and unwelcome. Common words like “children,” “school,” and “consequence” are going to be used a lot here because apparently, they need to be underscored and highlighted to garner attention.  Children inside, and outside, schools who bully others for one reason and one reason only – because they can.   Their behaviors are elusive to school officials, evidently, which is why there are no consequences thereby compounding and worsening the impact of bullying over time.  School officials who spend an inordinate amount of time ‘gaslighting’ children, along with parents, in their ongoing efforts to remain off their state education department’s radar.  Time that would undoubtedly be much better spent regulating and curbing bullying rather than making excuses for it.  Even still, when the focus becomes exclusively about the recipients of bullying and excusing the devious and cunning misdeeds of the now emboldened children who lean into their role as a bully, it would appear that the adults who allow it to happen are afforded a pass.   An unspoken and favorable adjudication that allows them to continue to hide in the ‘gray area’ seemingly protected by irreproachability, ambiguity, and substandard policies.  Some of those underdeveloped and short-sighted policies, coincidentally, relate to “HIB” (which stands for Harassment, Intimidation, and Bullying) and have turned out to be nothing more than vague wordsmithing, written by a team of lawyers, intentionally designed to create more confusion rather than conflict resolution.  

Note:  Yes, I am fully aware that a large percentage of bullying happens outside of school.  With an easy to use, always accessible, and dynamic electronic extension of their hand, the present-day weapon of choice, commonly referred to as a ‘cellphone’ or ‘smartphone,’ has easily become the most expedient and effective form of verbal (and non-verbal) discord vis-à-vis cyberbullying.  Wielding atrocities and uncurbed cruelty, bullies hide behind a small, protective glass screen as they freely communicate in strings of thoughtless words that are exchanged via text, instant and direct messaging, or any other nefarious means availed to them on unsupervised social media platforms.  Unencumbered by appropriate rules of engagement and apparently guided by their lack of moral principles, they torment, ridicule, and objectify their chosen target.   There is a lot that can be learned from this easy, far-from-kind, and cowardly, method of bullying that I will not be addressing today because this is about my family’s personal experience which is very specific to bullying inside school, not out.  An unfortunate, yet true, account of a brazen group of insecure, angsty, and deeply mean-spirited young girls who have demonstrated that their bullying knows no bounds, in person or otherwise. Even a monkey could figure out that my daughter is bullied outside of school as well, however, what we do not know cannot hurt us.  And we know enough without having to add more fuel to this already uncontained fire.  The writing has been boldly written on the wall; therefore, my daughter is kept far away from all forms of social media making access to her outside of school difficult.  That means that everything that we know and everything that she experiences with bullying is happening inside the school’s walls right under the nose of the adults, who signed up and are tasked with protecting her.  A disappointing by-product of 21^st Century academia, among many other disappointments this current Century has produced, is the absence of integrity, empathy, and common sense, which in schools can only be described as an inexcusable offense.  Whittling that further down to the studs, it is the systemic deterioration and dysfunction of the education institutions, commonly referred to as ‘schools,’ under the guise of ‘safety’ and robust policies surrounding bullying and conduct that has found itself fully entangled in my crosshairs which, I’m told and based on all accounts, is not a pleasant place to be.

As you can well imagine, changing schools is a process that involves paperwork, acceptances, coordination between schools to share transcripts which includes grades and medical documentation; and then there is the issue of transportation, which, at least at schools in our community at the elementary and middle school levels, is usually not provided in which case families are responsible for ensuring that their child gets to and from school every day.  (And good luck getting reimbursed for gas and mileage from the resident school district.)   Nothing can ever be easy or simple because as a society, apparently, we are not satisfied until we are fully embroiled in chaos.  Because of all of the work involved in changing schools, assuming schools participate in what is called a “school choice program,” it should go without saying, it is neither an easy process nor is it an easy decision to make.  There are several obvious variables and considerations that have nothing to do with the onerous process itself (and no, homeschooling is not an option for our family.)  While the primary focus becomes about completing required paperwork and deadlines on time, it is easy to forget what it is really about, what is at stake, and why you started the process in the first place.  And then before you know it, the change is upon you and it is just as difficult to retract your decision once the process has begun.  As a family who recently went through it, allow me to remind you what is at stake and what it is really about.  But let us first start by dispelling all suggestions to the contrary and accept the fact that parents do not move their children from one school to another for no reason.   There is always a reason just not one that those who sit in judgment and opposition could possibly comprehend. (By the way, those people who sit in judgment and opposition are oftentimes parents who can be credited with raising bullies.  But I digress.)  It is about children who have been intolerably and mercilessly hurt and harmed by other children, and it is about the adults who are all culpable – the teachers, school officials, coaches, and yes, parents of bullies and even parents of non-bullies – who not only allow it to happen, but it is completely plausible that they choose to not address the problem that is literally right in front of them perhaps for reasons that are as egregious as their denials.  Confronting the issue of bullying would require them to look in the mirror and consider their own dereliction, indifference, and lack of oversight.  Because the truth is, bullying is a problem that actually has a simple solution.  A solution that is, by and large, unpopular because it requires self-reflection and change that the majority of people will not undertake; therefore, they remain silent as they keep their heads down to avoid making eye contact with those who see them clearly.  But their silence is louder than their indiscreet avoidance which just means that the now exacerbated problem will continue to further its reach, spread, and remain unsolved.  While it might appear that it is the bullies who are the low-hanging fruit, the truth is it is the alleged adults who have actually emerged as the bigger problem.  And they sit comfortably in ‘The Gray Area’ which is where they hide behind ambiguous policies that are weaponized and used as a shield against their own negligence. 

The Gray Area

We know that bullying is a deliberate, cold-hearted, and remorseless act of abuse that has the ability to change its form which is why it is sometimes difficult to detect thereby making it nebulous and ‘gray.’  But that wasn’t always the case, not to mention the obvious fact that bullying is not new.  With the help of technology, social media, and a general lack of quality adult supervision, over the years, bullying, has become a catalyst that has caused a debilitating and inevitable splintering inside schools and society as a whole.  The ‘act’ of bullying is often and easily misconstrued and unmanageable because, like every other nasty contagion that mutates, it moves quickly to non-antidotal and widespread proportions.  I can remember a time, not too long ago, when bullying was handled after school at the playground.  It was an organized physical brawl between two (or more) people who had some things to sort out and together decided that the only way to resolve their differences was to beat the ever-loving shit out of one another.  Excitement mounted during the school day as everyone prepared to either participate in or watch this meticulously planned spectacle that some might say needed to happen in order to clear the air.   Surrounded by friends and classmates who came out in droves to support with cheers and jeers until a school official or teacher showed up and broke up the fight.  These fights usually resulted in bloodshed, bruising, and more than likely a temporary suspension from school for all involved.  Injuries that were the visible result of both rage-release and self-defense.  Injuries that were considered to be badges of honor that were earned when a clash of views crossed over a Rubicon and reached a moment of truth.

Present day, bullying is different because it has become less of a bloody and bruising physical encounter and more of a ruthless game of mind-fuckery.  A senseless game that causes the kind of hurt that cannot be seen because it is deeply felt in the heart and psyche of the person who, in most cases, neither solicited nor instigated the maltreatment.  It is a game where truth doesn’t exist.  The recipient of bullying is unwittingly forced into a state of submission and is oftentimes rendered defenseless.  So, instead, they retreat, isolate, and become introverted because they do not wish to be lured into a meaningless game that they never asked to play; a game, nonetheless, where they have inadvertently become the target.  A game that has turned out to be an exercise in futility because when school officials who are in a position to stop bullies and restore order look for reasons and proof, they are misguided because the truth is there is no real reason, and because bullying is a game of mind-fuckery, there is likely no proof.   No proof other than the fact that the school officials were informed by the recipients of bullying, and their parents in most cases, but chose to do nothing.  No proof other than a child sitting alone at a lunch table or at a far corner of the playground where they can put some distance between themselves and those who wish to harm them. Unforgiveable and repeated errors of judgment and an overall lack of observation and oversight have dire consequences because it allows bullies to remain unaccountable for their evildoings.  This is the gray area.  A deep chasm where people of all ages come to hide.  It is a place of divisions.  A place where the water between us is muddy and the impenetrable walls that separate us are constructed in a way that repels truth, facts, and evidence.

Because the gray area is where lies slowly cast a dark shadow over truths subsequently creating a false reality.  It is becoming a common theme both inside and outside schools which means it is being accepted as normal behavior.  Normalizing these false realities and behaviors while concurrently muddying the truth knows no bounds, age, or circumstance.  And no matter the age or circumstance, it causes further suffering to those who have already been harmed while emboldening their aggressors, the entitled, righteous, and defiant among us, who find joy in tormenting others who they have deemed to be either inferior or just an easy target.  In direct contrast to what school officials, predominantly at the middle school level, would like us to believe, bullying is not a state of mind.  It is not confusing, it is not imagined, and no, it does not actually need to be seen by them in order to be believed or investigated.  The notion that when confronted, a bully will admit to their wrongdoing is ridiculously ignorant.  That sort of naïve and uneducated thinking, from none other than educators, is unsettling and unprincipled as it does nothing more than create yet another opportunity for the recipient of bullying to be humiliated and cast aside.  Because it is in these critical and defining moments that recipients of bullying are, in effect, accused of being dishonest and overly-sensitive attention seekers who are mischaracterized as intellectually impaired and incapable of understanding or reading social cues from others, therefore, their cries for help are not taken seriously.  Which proves to be, of course, a continuation of the maltreatment and pain that is now inflicted upon them by the people who are supposed to protect them.  Because they are not effectively doing their jobs – the jobs, by the way, that they voluntarily signed up to do – they become untrustworthy and unreliable authorities on the matter of bullying.  In schools, these people are represented by teachers, counselors, and high-ranking school officials who take up residence in the gray area.  It seems like a safe place for them to hide.   A ‘smoke and mirrors’ sort of arrangement where they enjoy the autonomy and lack of accountability inside a broken system that creates more problems and distress for those, like my daughter, who are already suffering.  An unreasonable and structurally-flawed system that continues to fail cannot be trusted to know what is right let alone take appropriate action against what is wrong.   A system that once-upon-a-time had a detailed roadmap and mission for success; however, those who are currently in command decidedly squander their position by going off the reservation, and off-record in many cases only officially documenting their opinion rather than facts, thereby covering their tracks in order to avoid unwanted scrutiny and/or backlash.  These are the same people who are quick to elevate themselves high up on a stack of certifications, qualifications, and unrealistic policies that are oftentimes, and have proven to be, constructed entirely of paper lies.  They are motivated only by their own not-so-hidden agenda and goals and will not let something like bullying on their watch stand in their way.  Becoming quintessential ‘gaslighters’ and ‘box checkers’ fully aware of what looks good and what is expected on paper, but because they lack substance and experience in a self-made environment of hardhearted and impervious people, they do not possess competence which, ipso facto, make them unsuitable and unworthy of the important job of judiciously and forcefully curtailing bullying.   The undeniable truth and reminder that corrupt, weak, and narcissistic leadership is a breeding ground for evil-doers and immorality.  We see it playing out on the world stage in politics; we see it in workplaces everywhere; and yes, we see it firsthand in homes and schools where vulnerable children become collateral damage for negligent, egotistical, and self-indulgent adults.

All that being said, along with the undeniable fact that bullying is not a state of mind, it turns out that the ‘gray area’ is.  If we can imagine the ‘gray area’ as an actual place, then we can also imagine that its occupants are likely overstimulated people who are pushing and shoving their way inside.    For parents, the ‘gray area’ is a place of comfort, validation, and fellowship as they find themselves shoulder-to-shoulder with other likeminded and equally distracted parents who busy themselves with everything except parenting.  Parents who have been tasked with childrearing and releasing out into the world people who, at the time of their release, should be capable of playing well with others.  While the focus is on the shiny object, which is represented by bullied children and negligent school personnel, the part of the conversation that gets the least amount of attention is the parents of bullies who are hiding themselves away in the gray area.  Present day, the children who can be categorized as bullies – you know the ones, the mean kids – didn’t invent shitty behavior, and truth be told, they aren’t really even that clever or good at it.  In fact, one could make a pretty strong argument that they come by their behaviors honestly having been taught by their first teachers – their parents.  It is not exactly Rocket Science or a complex challenge to connect these dots.  It is, of course, a long-told and well-established tale:  the Apples and Trees Theory.

Apples and Trees Theory

The Apples and Trees Theory is a tale as old as time.  It is a theory that has yet to be debunked or proven to lack merit or truth.  For those who are unfamiliar with it or have forgotten, it is the not-so-subtle illustration of parents, who represent the apple tree and their children who are the apples that grow, develop, and eventually fall off the tree.  The saying ‘apples do not fall far from the tree’ is a reference to the fact that children, no matter where they go or what they do, are still products of that tree and the roots from whence they came.  Which just means, in simple terms and at their core, children are, more often than not, identical replicas of the people who raise them.  As a parent, we constantly hear and see stories about other people’s parenting practices.  Sometimes we applaud their efforts because that is what we are told we are supposed to do; however, some of us outliers find ourselves cringing because we are horrified and appalled at what we see and hear.   Notwithstanding the fact that we have been conditioned and reminded to be a supportive member of this ‘village’ that we keep hearing so much about, some of us frequently find ourselves internalizing our disgust and disapproval.  Which then evolves into an uncomfortable and isolating situation because we feel guilty for judging others who are outwardly insisting that they are benevolent and active village people who are just trying to do their level best to keep their head above water.  Call me a skeptic, but I just don’t buy what everyone is trying to sell.  With bullying running rampant and gaining momentum with each passing day, it would be to no avail to try to convince me that everyone is as altruistic and tenderhearted as they claim to be.  That being said, it is safe to say that I neither subscribe to nor do I believe in the alleged propriety, equity, or virtuousness of the village.  And this is the part where parents, self-described village people, are going to cry foul because it hits a sensitive nerve that no one wants touched.   But, suffice it say, I’ve reached the threshold of the gray area, am crossing the line, and I am not only touching that nerve, but I am pressing down hard because enough is enough.  ‘It’s not my kid’ is a commonly overused phrase that has become popular for a reason.  It is used almost every time a parent is confronted with the fact that their child did something that was deemed inappropriate or off-putting by those in a position to mildly intervene.   But statistics, along with your vehement denials, betray you because reports and cases of bullying are on the rise which means that the odds of it being your kid are staggeringly high.  So, if that’s true, then I have to ask – if it’s not your kid, then, pray tell, whose kid is it who is wreaking havoc and terrorizing other people’s children?  At first, I believed that the parents who came out strongly and aggressively in defense of their child were acting on a natural instinct to protect their child’s virtue and reputation.  But then I realized that the defense was flawed and misleading because the truth is parents will never be able to see wrong with behaviors exhibited by their children when those behaviors mimic their own.   Apples and Trees and all that.   Two ideas that cannot co-exist and are not mutually exclusive is the notion that defending bad and unacceptable behavior is somehow equivalent to being protective.  Because the truth is, if we really want to get to the bottom of the problem and stem the damage bullying is bringing to bear on society as a whole, then we have to begin at the root and branch of that apple tree.  And that would be you and your example.  Words, actions, thoughts, and misdeeds are seeds that are planted inside homes and they influence your children’s behaviors outside of the home.  It is your words, actions, thoughts, and misdeeds that go with your children to school which is where they practice what you preach.

Oak or Willow

A year has gone by, and my daughter is well into her 8th, and final year of this level of Hell, otherwise known as Middle School.  Maybe you are wondering how she is doing.  While we embarked on the change of schools with high hopes and optimism, we learned rather quickly that what was a dumpster fire at the small school was a full-blown inferno of bullying at the big school.  Even with all that we thought we knew up until this point, somehow, we were insufficiently prepared, and it didn’t take very long for us to be set back on our heels and lose our footing.  The combination of shamefully ambivalent school officials, who have presumably decided that if they do not acknowledge bad behavior then they are not required to thwart it, along with ungovernable, entitled, and toxic middle school-aged girls, is a recipe for permissible lawlessness. That being said and even with the best of intentions, our plan to improve our daughter’s middle school experience obviously backfired in a spectacular fashion.  We had a decision to make and ultimately determined that, while both evil, the smaller school was the lesser of the two, therefore, she has been transferred back to her original school where all of the bullying started.  At a minimum, the smaller school is a familiar environment, and there is comfort in familiarity even for kids who are bullied.  You know what you are going to get and, for the most part, who you are going to be getting it from.  Sadly, the girls who bullied, and continue to ostracize and bully my daughter, experienced no maturity or emotional growth in a year’s time.  And because they have never been required to face any consequences for their bad behaviors, they have only improved upon them.   

There is a resonant quote from The Fires of Heaven which is in Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series. “The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”  It raises questions about how we perceive the structurally inherent differences between strength and survival.  On one hand, and at first blush, an oak tree is considered to be tall, stoic, and strong.  But when viewed more closely, it’s true nature is less about strength and more about stubbornness.  It stands tall, but refuses to budge in which case it can snap and break with one strong gust of wind.  A willow, on the other hand, is flexible and willing to bend with the wind allowing it to remain in one piece when the wind passes.  That is my daughter.  She is the embodiment of a willow tree that bends and swerves with the wind, not against it.  She makes a conscious choice every day to not allow it to break her.  An inherent characteristic deeply steeped in patience, courage, and true strength that few people possess.  Indeed, there is a simple solution to combat bullying.  There is an antidote, an effective counteracting agent and quick fix that can stop the spread of this contagious and fast-moving societal affliction. It is a choice that we can all make.  It’s called kindness which, as it turns out, is not just a word in the dictionary rather it is a voluntarily mindful and meaningful way of life.  I will leave this with one last thought from James M. Barrie who authored Peter Pan.  “Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?”  Oh, Mr. Barrie, what a different world it could be if we all chose a little more kindness.