All Dressed Up and No Place to Go
“Thus Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others, are credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.”
That is a quote by someone during a time when, it could be said, people probably wore white gloves while they sat with their elbows stiffly at their sides, careful to not let them travel and rest on the table. In this particular time period that we are talking about, elbows on the table were considered to be a major foul that more than likely earned you one raised eyebrow, a clucking tongue and a disapproving side-to-side head shake. Emily Post. She was a refined woman of her time whose calling card was etiquette and good manners of which she boldly imparted onto others. Although it could be said that she was the epitome of what class and appropriate etiquette should look like in her time, I would imagine that she would be hard-pressed to find her audience in today’s world where those things are apparently less of a priority.
It is no secret that as a country we are deeply divided. Social classifications are seemingly defined yet indecipherable in many cases. It could be fair to say that today Emily Post might find it challenging to gain traction in a society that has become abnormally comfortable in the crosshairs. So does that mean that we just cross our fingers and abandon the notion of proper etiquette and niceties as we embark on our daily interactions? When did elbow-length white gloves only become appropriate for brides on their wedding day? What actually happened to our society as a whole where we knowingly undervalue good manners and accept poor behaviors that last far longer than the memory of someone’s face?
Like most things, the shift was really not all that subtle. As we sift through the decades and try to find the trigger to the demise of socially acceptable behaviors. We search for the time when maybe our raised eyebrow or pursed lips gave us away, while our spoken words were mostly controlled and polite. Expectations and standards were obviously different in those years as women, in particular, were told in no uncertain terms what their paths would be and exactly how they needed to behave in order to achieve their short-sighted goals. Historically, the focus of appropriate social behaviors has been predominantly directed at women, while the unscrupulous behaviors of men, by and large, has continued to remain fully intact and permissible. But that is a conversation for another day.
During a prolific time period that could be described as unrelatable for the vast majority of people both then and now. It was extreme messaging that was mostly pretentious although it was culturally acceptable and considered to be normal. The pristine examples of the social elite, who were more influential during their time in history, cannot simply be picked up and dropped into the middle of a culturally disconnected society, with or without a wagging finger. The line was drawn in the sand decades ago. By shifting the focus of acceptable behaviors from those in the ‘know’, popularly known as the ‘social elite’ – to what was described as an assist for ‘ordinary people’, could be viewed in retrospect as a swift, and not overly subtle, act of condescension.
Those are just simple facts. Today ‘ordinary people’ make up the majority of the population. Mixed in with much smaller overall percentages are the ‘social elite’ who are commonly referred to as simply ‘entitled’. That is not new, and we could easily find evidence of societal divisions in any century. In other words, not much has changed if we view it through the hindsight of history. What would Emily Post say today? Maybe she would bypass the obvious and stick with something like, “Consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built.” And who knows? Maybe she would be right.
The rules of entitlement are simple. Rule Number 1: there are no rules. Entitlement is often merely just an attitude that is cultivated by inheritable influence as much as, if not more than, society. Like a family recipe that has been passed down over generations, entitlement is often an inherited behavior. A common misconception is that it is fortune and wealth that determine entitled behaviors. But if we do our math correctly, our calculations would conclude that it wouldn’t add up. If 99% of the American population is ‘ordinary’, non-wealthy people, leaving 1% to the ‘social elite’ or those of significant financial means, then that can only lead us to believe that evidence supports the fact that entitlement does not actually always have to be about money.
What is it about, then, if we remove wealth and prosperity as the pre-existing qualifier for entitlement? As we watch some fly by the seat of their pants on the successes of someone else’s coattail meaning their presumptive success is fraudulent because they didn’t actually earn it themselves. We want to believe that Emily Post had it right when she said, “Good manners reflect something from inside – an innate sense of consideration for others and respect for self.” But we can’t help but wonder if that is just wishful thinking. It is just not true that as a society ‘we live and let live’ or that the Golden Rule to’ treat others how you want to be treated’ is a behavior that has been commonly adopted. Why is that? It would seem that the stark divisions among the 99% majority are the source of the man-made chasm and social disconnect. If that’s true, then entitlement is less about what you have and more about who you think you are. Often mischaracterized as ‘spoiled’ although the truth is somewhere in between. As ‘spoiled’ and ‘entitled’ become deeply rooted and twisted allowing good manners and proper etiquette to become nothing but ideas that have been buried and lost along the way.
Maybe it’s how ideas are exchanged and messages are delivered that has left a gaping hole in the foundation of good manners and sound communication. Emboldened conversations that occur blindly behind screens essentially allowing our fingers to speak on our behalf. Communicating with soundless grunts and rolled eyes creating mayhem as we say things to a piece of glass that we would probably not say to someone in person. At best, it can be described as barbarism. An age-old method of communication where people banged on their chests and wrote in hieroglyphics on rock walls in order to be understood. Today we call on emojis, memes and acronyms as our overused way of speaking in fluent abbreviation. We no longer need to instruct our children to ‘use their words’ because we now speak in condensed terms allowing an expression on a yellow face to describe our current emotion. Emily Post would probably be underwhelmed by our improper and mediocre means of unintelligible communication. Maybe she would say, “There is little you can do about the annoying speech mannerisms of others, but there is a lot you can do about your own.” And who knows? Maybe she would find some success in converting people back to the old way of having intelligent conversations in person. Maybe she would be encouraging people to become comfortable again in the give-and-take of a real conversation rather than the hurried acronym and emotionally-charged symbol used in place of actual words.
It is neither math nor entitlement that are necessarily the factors responsible for the overall dumbing down of our society. The dictionary is chockfull of fantastically underused words because it would seem that utilizing an acronym is far more efficient. But the truth is, words were not remotely intended to be mangled and shortened making abbreviated speech a new art form requiring its own translation guide. Hashtags have become the new and meaningless prefix to all words providing approximately no intrinsic value while serving no purpose. Hashtag usage is the equivalent of getting all dressed when you have no place to go. It is a pound sign that has been shined and dropped in front of random words only to sit there and literally do nothing. It neither contributes towards the word’s meaning nor does it provide any real purpose other than unnecessarily taking up space.
As we know, many historical quotes cannot stand the test of time. They are resurrected in attempts to make a paralleling point, and although history has a bad habit of repeating itself, they cannot be relied upon when they are stacked against contemporary circumstances. Today too much information is conveniently overshared publicly and provides compelling evidence that survival is often dependent upon the need for endless attention. Having a permanent residence on everyone’s radar creates a false sense of relevance and acceptance making reality nothing more than a nighttime dip in murky water. As our minds scroll through a daily emotional rolodex, we have convinced ourselves that it’s normal to use media, social or otherwise, as a sound means of processing our every emotion while it’s happening. It has been normalized, but the truth is, it is quite the contrary.
Emily Post was quoted as saying, “Etiquette requires the presumption of good until the contrary is proved.” But what does that mean in today’s world where authentic communication is continuously replaced by manufactured realities which, when dressed down, is really just a lie? Maybe it is worth considering the idea that words, spoken with the intent for direct impact or in code, truths or lies, have consequences. Or maybe we don’t care either way in which case our words, with or without appropriate etiquette and good manners just don’t really matter all that much anymore. Words, along with their original definitions, have been impermissibly altered leaving them vulnerable, intentionally ambiguous and open to interpretation.
At the end of the day, it would seem that the perception of proper etiquette might not be timeless after all. We want to believe that reflecting on a quote from many moons ago can be compared to present-day realities, but it isn’t so. Placing value on things that matter less is not something new, but thanks to technological advancements, the emotional stakes have gotten higher. Maybe those made-up movies about robots and machines eventually running the world weren’t so far-fetched after all.
Social, cultural and emotional disconnection is absolute and is, in all likelihood, a predictable inevitability. Maybe I’ve been too hard on Emily Post and have, in a way, unfairly painted her with a very broad brush. Although it is mostly hard to apply her practices to today’s unprecedented challenges, maybe she really was just laying the groundwork for good form and positive social examples. She once said, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.” And that sentiment should not be hard to subscribe to. Perhaps going back to basics and revisiting history from time to time is our chance at salvation. Remembering simpler times when basic human kindness didn’t always need to have a price tag attached to it. When words were chosen more carefully because there was an undercurrent of a mutual, unspoken courtesy that was extended to others for no reason other than because it was right. Because good manners are not just about saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. If it is true that entitlement contributes towards societal divisiveness, then it should also be true that appropriate social behaviors, in any format, should contribute in some way towards altruism.
The question we need to consider is whether we prefer to be human hashtags serving no real purpose as we actively participate in varying degrees of chaos and societal discontent. Or. If we choose a more collaborative path of propriety and social grace. So. Will we continue to get dressed up with no place to go or will we, as a society, endeavor to find our purpose? I guess we’ll never know unless we try.
DISCLAIMER: All quotes and references were found on Wikipedia and Goodreads. All quotes are understood to be actual true statements and referenced for the sole purpose of illustrating a point. Quotes have been bolded and italicized to appropriately provide a delineation from the author’s personal perspectives.
